Why Valentine’s Day SUCKS for So Many and 3 Powerful Steps to Change That

I like this watercolor painting, but boy it took a lot of patience to allow each layer to dry fully before moving on to the next. (I know there is a good metaphor in there somewhere)

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. For many, that means romance, flowers, and chocolate. 

For others, the honest reaction is: Yuck.

As an art therapist, I spend my professional life helping high-functioning, capable adults untangle the insecurities and negative self-talk that already live inside them. And I’ve observed something every February: Valentine’s Day acts as a magnifying glass. It amplifies comparison. It amplifies self-judgment. It amplifies insecurities. There is enormous, often unrealistic pressure wrapped into this holiday:

• Pressure to be in a relationship.

• Pressure for that relationship to look perfect.

• Pressure to feel desirable, sexy, fulfilled.

• Pressure to live out a Hollywood version of romance and intimacy that rarely exists, especially after a four-course meal and a few glasses of wine (not to mention trying to get out of the Spanx).

Even sex advice columnist Dan Savage jokes that couples should “FU%K first” before the wine and heavy food. Humor aside, the underlying truth is this: The cultural script is intense.

The Danger of the Inner Critic

Valentine’s Day doesn’t create insecurity — it exposes it.

It turns up the volume on the inner critic:

• “I’m unlovable — that’s why I’m single.”

• “I'm not attractive. or even remotely sexy”

• “I’m unhappy in my relationship, but now I have to pretend everything is perfect.”

• “Everyone else has what I don’t.”

Here is what I know — both personally and professionally: You cannot hate yourself into happiness. You cannot criticize yourself into confidence. Transformation begins when your inner critic stops being your opponent and becomes your ally. And that shift begins with awareness and gratitude.

The A.R.T. of Self-Love

This year, to be prepared when this holiday rolls around again, I invite you to redirect your Valentine love inward. Toward the most important relationship you will ever have: the one you have with yourself.

That sounds great. In fact I'm sure you've been told this your whole life. But how do you actually do that? I am going to break it down for you with my A.R.T. framework:

A — Acknowledge

Recognize that this holiday brings up discomfort for many people. You are not broken if it does. You are human, and you are not alone.

R — Reframe

Instead of focusing on what you lack, shift toward gratitude. What is working? Friendships. Health. Growth. Your comfy bed. Food in the fridge. Gratitude quiets the critic but it does not eliminate it. It never will. This is the hard part, you MUST be intentional about your thoughts. Our brains are wired to scan for what’s missing. It’s a survival mechanism, and modern culture reinforces that wiring. Advertising, social media, even achievement culture all subtly train us to notice the gap between who we are and who we “should” be. Lack fuels commerce rooted in your insecurities. You can focus on what you DON'T have, or you can focus on what you DO have. It's up to you.

So yes — it’s hard to override that conditioning. But, as Glennon Doyle says, "you can do hard things". And the more you practice redirecting your attention toward gratitude, the more you strengthen a different neural pathway.

T — Thrive

Give yourself something better than roses. Give yourself permission to be human. Give yourself creativity. Give yourself kindness. And if you still want the roses? Miley Cyrus reminds us, “I can buy myself flowers.” Bonus: they’re on sale the day after Valentine’s Day. Which feels like the most grounded, self-respecting choice of all.

A Challenge

Make your own Valentine’s Day card. Paint it. Collage it. Doodle it. Inside, list three things you LOVE about yourself. Not what you’ve achieved. Not what you look like. But who you are. Your persistence. Your empathy. Your intelligence. Your humor. How you bring complexity to the world, not by being like everyone else, but because of your uniqueness.

And save it to give to yourself next year.

Let’s normalize self-respect. Maybe next February 14th can be Self-Love Day.

If you’re willing, share your cards or self-love in the comments. If you want to learn more or go deeper in my flagship method - let's have a conversation and see if we are a good fit to work together.